I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
