i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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