it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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