i always forget guys have bellybuttons
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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