i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
