What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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