Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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