plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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