oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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