I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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