yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
