I am puke
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
