WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
