I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
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i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
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Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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