I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
