gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
