so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
