Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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