why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
