Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
