my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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