I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
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She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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