uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
