So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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