I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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