My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
