I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
