i permit you to call me
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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