my phone cant type all the emotion im having
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
