Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
