my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
