before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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