Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You ruined the universe
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
