i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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