I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
