i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
