By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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