she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
All I want is dick and wine.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
