Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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