My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
