my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
