i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
