I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
