does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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