Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
