Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
