If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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