my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
