First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
