I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
