The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
