if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
