Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
