I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
