ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
